Enough bitching about all my seniors.[FOR NOW]
3:53 PM 6/25/2006
Honouring the request of one guest to my blog I have decided to not discuss him ever in the blog again.
Now I'd like to write about my hero in the university. I just absolutely worship this guy. His name is Lancelot James and he is one guy. I mean hot girls can't just keep their lips off him. Imagine one of my seniors actually tried to smooch this guy. My hero that he is, with the reflexes of Neo in the Matrix he slowed to bullet-time and dodged the kiss with an amazing side face move.
Anyway Lancelot James, we'll call him LJ from now on, He was the first proper friend I had in the University. I wasn't familiar with him when we were in the hostel but during sine die I took his number and just on a whim called him. We started talking and before I knew it, two hours had passed. One fun guy he ridiculed every senior and had funny anecdotes to tell about all of them.
The most outrageous one was during the night of sine-die itself when my hero discharged digestive-rear exhaust (constituents CH4, H2S, NH3, N20) in the face of Chemmachen while sleeping, in full view of all the seniors. Chemmy as I'll refer to him from here on, was strong in Spirit (C2H5OH) and strong in flesh as well. He got high (and I mean really HIGH) on the exhaust and got stoned and got a life.
[background music dedicated by Chemmy to LJ-Higher-Creed]
Then one day I found my hero limping around with scratches on his arms and his knees all scraped. A discreet enquiry revealed that he had tried to attain terminal velocity on a vehicle but far from it he got himself nearly terminated. Now he is "purely out of courtesy" paying for the damage to the vehicle.
Writer's Comment:You know what the senior who couldn't keep herself off my hero said, she (sniff) said that my writing made poor second reading and now I have a writer's block...
Nevermind anyways I'll write a few of Lancelot James' famous quotes (pearls of wisdom that he keeps on drooling).
1. Women are Women ( as if....)2. No matter where you go, there you are. (so profound, my neurons degenerated thinking about it)3. You've bitched about everyone in your blog. (Yaaaaay!!! Mission Accomplished.)
So going on to my hero's exploits...
Sad to say my hero has never had a girlfriend. Charmer that he is one thing I gotta admit is that he gives some of the worst compliments which even I can't come up with.
Once he was conversing with one of his friends Zennane and she asked him "Who do you think is the most beautiful actress?". Atrocious beauty sense that my hero had, he said "Ansa Raju"
She was suprised and said "You don't think Aishwarya Rai is beautiful?" My hero said "Yeah Ansa Raju I mean Aishwarya Rai, hell they have the same initials, what's the difference?".
At this the girl laughed and my hero got intoxicated on it and made up this stupid compliment. He said "You know what Zennane? I think you are more beautiful than Ansa Raju, I mean, sorry Aishwarya Rai".
The girl swooned and fell unconscious in my hero's arms. My hero heroically looked at her unconscious,feminine and limp form in his strong, muscular arms and a surge of protective and chivalrous feeling overrode his passion for Ansa Raju.
He took the girl to Hayes and got her admitted. When the girl recovered, she chastised him saying "what kind of a straight-faced liar are you?". My hero gallantly bowed to the girl and replied with a straight face "I'm a chronic liar".
Then he pinched the nurse's ass and said "Hey babe how's your derriere shaping up?".{he had been hoping to use that line on Ansa Raju to impress her with his Anglo-Francais vocabulary.}
Then he flew out of the window. Red cape and red over-underpants and all.
I was walking with Sanju, Reba and others when we looked up and saw my hero flying.
Sanju declared "It's a pterodactyl and I know everything"
Reba said " No No No No No It's a Teletubby na, The Red one na, Lala na " (you see she had a personal reason, her surname matches the color and the name of the Teletubby).
Anila squealed "Yaaay!! Harry Potter has come to AAIDU!! On a Firebolt 2007"

[Comment from far-off observer Tiny Pee Tits]
"Harry potterum oombi AAIDU li vannitu"
I said with finality "No it's Lancelot James".

At this very convenient and opportune moment Amisha swooned and passed out (she actually wanted to be carried in the arms of my superhero and she was faking unconsciousness. One damn stupid flirt she is...). My hero with his super-sharp -4.5 vision with zero night vision capability detected that Amisha needed help. He descended slowly and then lifted Amisha in his arms and started to fly away.
At this point Amisha opened her eyes and leaned over and tried to kiss my hero. Lancelot James (my hero) was thoroughly disgusted and hurled her into a compost pit where she lay fermented for a couple of days.(She still is drunk on the BS and keeps puking it every now and then.).

Anyway my hero's alter ego came over to my room and discussed his exploits at school. One of the more amusing ones was him telling his teacher "Ma'am you look hot today." His teacher was checking his copy, she nonchalantly looked up and asked "Date??". He responded "Sorry Ma'm I'm too young and Handsome to go out with you.". She said "Excuse me?? You have not written the date in your copy". My hero once again fell into one of his super-ego induced fallacies and made a stock of himself that the whole class laughed at.

Then my hero began to enunciate on the regrets he had in life, for example Sanju. He started saying "it's my fault Sanju is like this now". I comforted him saying "Sanju is not your fault, He is John Varghese's fault".

But lancelot wasn't comforted and he paced around the room and started saying "If I had not pampered Sanju and inflated his ego he wouldn't have become like this...
His grief overcame me and melted my heart I realized the immense mental anguish that Sanju was causing to LJ. I couldn't take it any longer and I went alone to Nescafe, had a Cold Coffee and a Bar of Nestle and came back to the room.

My hero had gotten tired of pacing and was resting I told him "Listen don't let your personal anguish over Sanju's behavior overcome you, Ideally considering the person he is, you shouldn't give two farts about him".
Precisely at that time My hero's faithful sidekick, HavntBathd2days entered with two bangs and with a whimper announced his entry. For convenience Havntbathd2days will be referred in the rest of the article as HB2D. HB2D was my hero's only solace in the university. My hero always used to roam around with him because it was the only way he could keep the senior who tried to smooch him every now and then away. That senior is of the frankincense opinion that HB2D smells like Heaven.
Well I don't know about that but he definitely doesn't smell like Teen Spirit and he is Heavier than Heaven.
Anyways a short life history of HB2D. His life has been one big bicycle(Monika,Angie) of him proposing to girls then the girls coming up with the lamest excuse in the world which they ever came up with to reject proposals which is " I thought we were just FRIENDS ". So HB2D is just a FRIEND to every girl he meets I mean he is a kind of guy every girl would keep just as a FRIEND no more-no less.
He is uncharacteristically handsome and girls keep having crushes on him but he only has to open his mouth to spoil the fantasy...
If any of the readers are interested in contacting him for life-partnership please dial this number +919839677207. Although I have to warn you the guy is one Don Juan. Beware of his sophistication, he is one philanderer, he will seduce you with his charm in no time at all...
And imagine, this guy is my hero's sidekick. I mean he could be a superhero himself but he has one weakness (Just like Superman who has an allergy to Kryptonite) this guy gets weakened and his strength and knees both fail him when he encounters Niminite. The only way HB2D can rescue himself from being weakened and dragged away to GH by Niminite is by anchoring himself to either Lancelot james or me. I have to admit Niminite has a powerful effect even on me even though I'm only human...
Anyway's HB2D has lived upto everyone's expectations including being BBA Freshie King and also his name.
Another thing you prospective brides. Please check his cell-phone's drafts folder for charming messages that are addressed as to "The Only GIRL I ever Loved". I expect you to be sure that these messages have be sent at the same time to around 30 girls. So expect one of these to be in your inbox cause this guy is so totally original and sends "unique" messages.
Anyway HB2D came into my room and first thing he did was pick up my 1962 Fender Strat with Cayler Whammy. Then he swung the neck upto his shoulder and did a lame impression of Yngwie Malmsteen playing hi-speed . Ofcourse since the EG wasn't connected to the Amp we couldn't hear how many times he went out of scale but he sure looked like he was rocking the crowd. Then finally after receiving all the imaginary bras and panties from the raging female crowd, all of which wanted to have his baby.He was finding it hard to refuse anyone until we blasted him out of his Niminite exposure-induced hallucinations. He came out of his reverie and was like "WHERE ARE THE BABES!!!???, WHERE HAS THE CROWD GONE!!!????.
I made him rest until the attack was over and reminded him that he was still on planet earth. He started muttering incomprehensibly until we shook him after which he blurted "You know what happened. Today Monika smiled at me and while I was showing my Rates to her, a tractor rammed into me and nothing happened." LJ replied with amazement "The tractor must have been moving at a peak velocity of 0 m/s. No wonder it got so badly damaged.". HB2D blanched when he realized his faux pas had been discovered. Anyway he and I got to discussing our favorite topic that is Anjus.
HB2D started off. "You know what Anjus did?? When I told him that he did not have a dick He...He...He... [Now the reader is supposed to use his Imagination].
I eagerly joined in "Does he have one?? Eh? Eh? Really??".
HB2D disappointed me with his answer " A rat's tail would have blushed on seeing it."
I was dismayed "Damn it. He has one??? Aaaargh never mind we'll make it swell by putting itching powder in his JOcK E".
Then we went to our second most favorite topic who was SADLOSE. we never got tired of discussing sadlose. Apart from the fact that Reji Thomas was his brother-in-law, he had a number of things to his credit which included the ability to apparently seem fairer after a bath[a purificatory ritual he went through once in an AAIDU-moon]
(AAIDU-moons appear on every 13th Blue moon which ofcourse never appears).
So it is no suprise for the Amway fairness cream manufacturers. They quite often displayed him in their ads as a test case.
My hero went into one of his profound moods again and he started off with his theosophy. "You know what?? Our existence here is just to make people happy. If you find that you can make a person more happy by spending time with them, then spend time with them...
[Change Of Scene]
I caught the gist of what my hero was saying and I invited Sanju over to my room [eternally regrettable action]. He began straight without an introduction, his litany of woes...
"You know what? I feel better about Reba spending time with you than with Sadlose. I mean I just don't trust that guy with her. He behaves so indecently with her."
Me thoughtfully in my thoughts: [ Haan saale, Bose DK. 6 mahine pehle keh raha tha ki meri bas ki nahi hai usse baath karne ki aur aaj kya naav erenki pooyo ]
I was like "Whatever. Man he is just being playful with her, and if she doesn't mind... what is your problem?".He didn't expect my tune to be so off-hand and casual when discussing Reba and Sadlose. He tried once more "But you know what he does, don't you? he steals her hair clip in public, wipes his hands and face on her dupatta in public and just keeps irritating her in general."
I refused to be prodded and I said " Anyway she looks beautiful with open hair and I've never had her mention to me that she doesn't like sadlose doing it. And if she wants to put a stop to it she is the one who has to say STOP. You for one shouldn't go and interfere in other people's relationships." With that I signalled the end of that line of conversation.
Then he bowled the bouncer "Do you like Reba???" I said "Sanju tell me the truth, you like Reba a lot don't you. Just tell me if you like her, I'm ready to give her up for you, my 'brother'"
Explanation of the terminology of 'brother':(We are related through the orangutans I'm long past the ape evolution but he is stuck somewhere in the middle of the DNA transcription).
{that was a very stupid poem I made up to make the readers understand that I'm not at all related to him}
He vehemently denied it. But I kept pricking him and finally he confessed that he had been crushed by her Rafflesia-like beauty ever since the first time he met her on the train to Bhilai. He went on to say that she had been 'reciprocating' his intensity of affections until she met Sadlose after which the 'closeness' and 'attachment' between them decreased.
I was thinking thoughtfully to myself again,{"Reciprocating must have been in the true mathematical sense of the term which is Reba's Affection = 1/Sanju's Affection.}
(For the mathematically challenged, simblee speaking, the equation implies that if the term "Sanju's Affection" tends to INFINITY the Left hand Side that is "Reba's Affection" tends towards ZERO.)" that way she MUST DEFINITELY have 'reciprocated' his closeness and attachment.}
Anyway I went on to prick him "But look Sadlose cares a lot about her. He even took the brunt of Kamaljeet's jealousy and anger and went and told him straight that "Rebecca is my girlfriend..." Before I could continue, he was all raging fury and started blurting out everything on what turned out to be a thrilling mystery which (ofcourse remains unsolved) and went on thus...
[First person Speech:Sanju]
"Kamaljeet and hispackofgoons picked up Sadlose for roaming around too much with her. I panicked on seeing this and went and told the third years. Then I warned Rebecca that she was getting people into trouble unnecessarily and told her what had happened to Sadlose and she panicked and informed the higher-ups and that initiated a whole chain reaction, the end result of which was that Reba ended up thinking that Sadlose had risked life and limb for her, infront of Kamlu and I got pushed out of the picture as the unnecessary,whiny troublemaker when I should have gotten the image of being so loving and caring to Reba that I wanted to protect Sadlose for her so that she wouldn't be saddened by his untimely demise."
He finished speaking and looked at me helplessly. Tears of disness and sadmay were flowing (not streaming) down his cheeks. I couldn't help but feel sympathetic for him [As sympathetic as I'd feel for George Bush being ragged by the Mallus].
Here was a guy who pined for affection and love from everybody but simply did not know how to earn it. He was just like an animal left out from a herd. Searching for company but being aggressive and self-defensive at the same time. I could feel his anguish and wonderment at the fact that no one who he knew well was so close to him even when in his own opinion he was behaving like a double-refined gentleman while a crass,vulgar and rudely behaved boy like me had all the affection I could ever want from the world.
Then Sanju bowled the Wide ball which verbatim went like this..."I don't know why I am being CRUCIFIED for something that is not my fault it's everyone else's mistake and I don't know why I am being CRUCIFIED for it. I mean I didn't want sadlose to get hurt and that's why I went and told Reba and the other third years. But now it seems that everything is my fault and 'certain' people are blaming me for what happened. Gangu I don't know whats happening (sanju's voice is getting thick with emotion and words are struggling to come past the lump in his throat). It seems that nobody trusts me anymore. And SOME PEOPLE aren't as close to my as they were before."
Unable to follow the import of his words I asked him what he meant by SOME PEOPLE.
He went on....
"You know what happened yesterday I asked Rohit straight to the face whether he thought I was a blabbermouth. He looked me straight in the eye and can you believe it? with a straight face he said "Yes I think you are a blabbermouth. I mean I couldn't just believe it I considered him one of my best friends in the university and confided everything to him and now he has also betrayed my trust".
Then I gave it to him very subtly and asked him "Have you ever asked anyone to keep me away from Supriya,Nimmy and the rest of the company"His face expression registered surprise and guilt just long enough for me to know he was guilty of back-biting. But then changing his expression to that of genuine surprise he said "No. Where did you get that piece from information"I dismissed it saying "It must've been a dream of mine."
Visibly relieved he agreed with me FOR ONCE.
By this time he had been in my room for two hours and it was 12 am already my roomate looked ready to hurl him out of the room. Overcoming the extreme temptation I had to let him stay and then acquire kinetic energy from my room-mate I told him "You better go now, it's getting late go get some sleep you already look like a bear just out of hibernation. Then he said bye and gave me a parting shot which went straight through my heart (I nearly suffered cardiac fibrillation) "That was one of the best conversations i had and I consider you my best friend now".
I was like "My life is accursed, what is this life for, with arms wide open, my sacrifice and one last breath.".
Anyway I bid him good-bye and wondered what I would do with this new best friend of mine who had said I was his only enemy in the university one semester ago, anyway pondering on this preponderous question I fell asleep.
To BE Continued...
For all the pretty
mischevious smiles are all yours
I'm all yours.(Oops!! Sorry not until after the next six months)
Gangu.
3:53 PM 6/25/2006